I'm a writer who also makes music, wants to get better at drawing, and wants to get into game making!
Any
Joined on 1/14/22
- Level:
- 13
- Exp Points:
- 1,624 / 1,880
- Exp Rank:
- 40,566
- Vote Power:
- 5.47 votes
- Rank:
- Civilian
- Global Rank:
- > 100,000
- Blams:
- 2
- Saves:
- 29
- B/P Bonus:
- 0%
- Whistle:
- Normal
- Trophies:
- 3
- Medals:
- 154
Intrapath
This was dope! Really solid pacing, and I think you did a good job of showing what was going on in Mae's head as the story went on.
As far as specifics go, a few lines stood out to me: one was "He shook like a newborn deer, but lumbered around like a bear.", that does such a good job of painting a picture. The other, "It seemed even darker than usual" got me thinking about how that relates to the environment; it felt unusual given all the snow. I'm not sure if you've lived anywhere with a lot of snowfall, but an interesting thing about snowy areas at night is that they're surprisingly bright, since the little light that's around is bouncing off of the white snow instead of the usual dark surfaces (like pavement). That could have been a really cool place to talk about the contrast of how dark it is vs. how dark it feels for Mae, or how easy it is for your eyes to play tricks if you're panicking and looking around sonewhere with *just* enough light for your head to imagine things.
My favorite part is definitely the last few paragraphs, though. They gripped me right up until the last sentence, the pacing was rock-solid. Great stuff!